Recommitment

How do the weeks fly by?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I know one way: I've been hesitant to write for fear of disappointing people. Isn't that weird? Whenever I get positive feedback, I doubt my ability to meet the expectations I have raised by doing something well, and I am paralyzed. It happens in my work all the time, ever so unfortunately. In this case, my self-consciousness about sharing my writing (not about sharing myself or my experience--I have no problem with that) is magnified by my awareness of cognitive difficulties left-over from the chemotherapy. It's hard enough being a perfectionist when your faculties are fully present; it's a bit (more) torturous when you know that they're not. But all of this--the fear of being good (heck, of being adequate), the shyness around my written self, my perfectionism, whether complicated by chemo-brain or no--all of it I am determined to work through. Step 1: Break through the silence! Say anything! (This must actually be, like, Step 7. I've been thinking about this for ages!)

I suspected that keeping up this semi-public form of communication would be a challenge for me, but I wanted to do it, and still do. It's funny how different it feels. I can write a three-page email in under an hour. Ask anyone who's served as chair in my department! But I made the choice to move beyond email and I want to follow through on it.

I know that most people who take the time to read my updates are people who know and love me, and people whom I know and love, and you all could hardly care less whether I post a well-crafted essay; you just want to know that I'm alright. To you I send special apologies: I have let my anxiety cause you anxiety by keeping you in the dark, which decidedly defeats the purpose of this whole project in the first place!

The short story is that I am alright. Treatment has been as effective as it could possibly be, to the extent that such things can be measured. Though I am not without lingering side effects, the most debilitating of which is fatigue, overall I am doing just fine.

An email would accomplish that, though; I would like to recommit to my intentions that go beyond letting people know how I am:

I want to share what the experience itself is like. In case you're curious. In case you know someone who has been through something similar who wasn't so willing to be open about it. In case you know someone who is going to go through something similar and wants to know something about what to expect.

I want to share what I've learned. It's so cliche, but it's cliche for a reason: It's hard to come through such an ordeal without *some* kind of new, or altered, or expanded perspective. Pushing beyond sharing the experience itself and sharing more evaluative observations on life, the universe, and everything, based on that experience is even harder for me. It seems...narcissistic somehow to assume anyone would want to read such observations from little old me? But number one, there's that thing about how most people around here love me. Why wouldn't at least some of them want to know what I've gotten out of this? Why wouldn't a perfect stranger or two be curious about the same thing? Never mind all those people in between! And number two, I think I've officially earned the right to have opinions. I mean, I know intellectually that I already had that, but now I've really been through something. None of this 'what do I know?' business. I've got life experience coming out of my ears!

I want to share what helped me. This is probably the second most important goal to me in keeping this public record. There's no doubt that what I went through was difficult, sometimes traumatic, often uncomfortable. I came through it, somehow, most of the time, with a lot of strength, and if I could shed light on the thoughts and feelings that gave me that strength, maybe it could help someone, or help someone help someone.

There is another, more mundane and obvious reason that the weeks fly by: I've been busy! And when not busy, tired. Now that the semester has ended and I have gotten up the gumption and energy to write again, I hope to be in touch more often.

So, that is my latest manifesto! Thank you, as always, for your kind thoughts, and prayers. I've been buoyed by a veritable sea of well-wishes, and I'm so grateful.

I should add that if you have any questions about my experience, feel free to ask. As you may have noticed, I'm very open about it and interested in helping people understand it.

Everyone, take care!